It all started on Monday. Which started out fucking awesome to be honest. It was all fine till I decided to Engineer a problem. Strangely enough it's something I've come to grips with in the past and have a solid understanding of why it happens and why it does not matter.
Quite simple things really. The first one was that I had a couple of really quiet days on stream, or let's say they have been dropping ever so slightly for a while now. I don't want to understand why as my reason for streaming is so that I can consistently work on something that I find interesting or out of reach regardless of popularity. On that regards, it is definitely working, as in the past month I've built a working compiler and virtual machine from scratch. The first one I have ever built and continue to build. That has been my reason to stream from day one and continues to be. Along with facing the fear of programming in front of people. Which I have succeeded at, beyond my wildest dreams. I've gotten a lot better at Zig in the meantime too. So I've hit all my mark and then some. Why am I still fixated on the numbers? Most likely some part of me drifts off into comparison. Quite normal really. I have dealt with this in the past. Last time it took about a week maybe more to come to grips with why I am doing this. This time it's taken three days. I'm happy with that. I understand what it means to win the war.
Wax on, Wax off
Has to be the only piece of advice one needs to be reminded of really. If you faithfully follow it over time, it'll turn into wisdom. The thing is, the humblest of starting points can lead to moved mountains. Two years ago I asked myself, "Would it be possible to squat 160 kilos?" My max at the time was around 100. I took it seriously. I even remember the moment I told my friend about it and where I was sitting. Since then, I've tried squatting everyday, three times a week and now I only squat twice a week. It seems to be where I make fewer gains than daily but my knees don't hurt and I still love squatting. It's been two years since then and on my thirty second birthday I gifted myself a 170Kg squat. Yes the process could have been better, faster or more effective. Yet, I still love to squat and now I want to squat 200 kilos. The goal post has moved and I'll squat as long as my legs don't give in. Was there a better way? Probably. Who cares? I'm still squatting and I love it.
It's gotten harder over the past few months as the weights are getting heavier and I'm working on getting leaner. Yet I find having to do it only twice a week is still way more than manageable. The workouts themselves are not that hard either. I've found ways to make small games. Currently it's to find out how many sets of three I can do at 150Kg. I'm at two and a half right now. The crazy thing is that my last years max have become warm ups. Consistency works wonders, and small trips on the way, like the one I had on Monday don't matter. Only thing that matters, how quickly I can get back up.
It's my new game now. To bring the time down between a fall and rise. It's a game anyways that I play on the tiny corner of the blue spec that helps me leave the bed when the alarm goes off at 0400 the next day. Some days I fail, so what. The alarm will go off the next morning too. It feels like I'm winning and I can live with myself.