Recently I've embarked on a new adventure. The adventure of truth. It is inspired by this podcast with Jordan Peterson. Although I disagree with him on a few points, this one really got me thinking. It's something I've been working on for a while now. As one day I felt a need to be honest with myself at all times. For better or for worse, I want to be able to reveal the truth to myself, without judgment. Most of the troubles in my life have been solved by accepting what is. A lot of the times you can get away with ignoring the truth, but there are times when you are simply forced to face it. These moments are hard, but they have led to growth through pain. The suffering is magnified by how much I ignore the truth. So I've decided to be honest the moment I feel that uncomfortable feeling that could be ignored. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, mostly because for the longest time, the default has been to ignore the uncomfortable truth. It's gotten to a point where it's so automatic that I don't even realize that I'm doing it. It takes a conscious effort to realize what's happening and correct course.
The challenges
It is what I've always wanted. Whenever I lied to others or myself there has been this feeling that never felt good. Also, it felt like a weakness to not be able to tell the truth. Overcome by the fear of consequences. Courage to tell the truth is only so because you have something to loose. If you did not, everyone would do it.
I've been practicing not lying to my friends and choosing my words more carefully. It's taking conscious effort to stop telling the automatic lies and instead tell the truth. Another challenge is differentiating between telling a different truth than the actual. Which is also dishonest. It's what happens after decades of lying to yourself, I'm unable to clearly differentiate the truth from the lies. Luckily, there is still a part of me deep down that regularly lets me know when I'm being dishonest. It's gotten quite faint over the years. If I look back to the early lies, the internal signal was strong and clear. Compared to now, it's faded to the point I can hardly tell when I'm feeling it. I would like to hold on to this. I have a feeling that it won't take decades to get it back.
Why now?
Why not now? The best time was a year ago, the next best time is now. I've relied on my intuition to make a lot of the difficult decisions in my life. They have always guided me well. Last year, I couldn't tell it apart, which has never happened. Whenever I've felt it, it's been a strong sensation in the gut and I know what needs doing. And I want it back, clear as it has been, or clearer if it's possible.
It's impossible to know what anyone else thinks, the very least I can do is be honest with myself at all times. Through thick and thin, you are the only person who is guaranteed to be with you always.