This stream has been the shortest I've ever done since I started streaming, yet I cannot believe that I was capable of this. When building habits I have one rule, never miss twice. The harder the habit, like streaming at 0400, the more rigidly I have to follow this rule. Last night I slept a total of maybe fifteen minutes, the alarm went of as usual but I could barely think, I was going to sack it and try to sleep, after about twenty minutes of this, my inner voice was like, "nah mate, stream for five minutes if you have to, but show up." I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to stream. I managed to stream for almost forty minutes, barely able to speak the words or find keys on the keyboard yet I fixed a couple of bugs on the compiler while I was at it. I was shocked that even though my mind was not there, I was writing code on autopilot. What the fuck am I really capable of? I'm not promoting loosing sleep, I did go to bed at around 2100, but I just couldn't sleep. I've managed to get a couple of hours of sleep since then and now I'm feeling good as new. I simply can't shake of what I did this morning. It might seem trivial, but it's reminder of someone I lost sight of a while ago. Someone who rode the bicycle for four hours and then went straight to the pool for another four hours, just out of fucking curiosity. What a fucking Chad. No social media posts, no cheerleaders, just me. What happened after is a complete fucking breakdown, your thoughts are no more, the mind is too tired and every fucking thing that you have been hiding under the rug shows up. It was glorious.
I know why I couldn't sleep last night, I was facing some demons that I haven't met for a long while, mostly because I avoided them. Last night it was fifty-fifty, I faced them and then tried to ignore them for about four hours each. It's deeply personal and maybe one day I will share it, today is not one of those days.
Right back to it
I learned one important lesson in the last twenty four hours. It does not matter if you achieved a milestone or got over something big. Celebrate them, but remember that they are not a switches that you turn on. You simply show and do it all over again the next day. In my mind I was looking forward to the day I can no longer do any of this, I was so wrong. Wax on, wax off for life baby. As long as you are alive, you have to own your life, at least I want to. So that means the work is never going to be finished. My next challenge is learning to make peace with it. I'm getting better at it. Maybe someday I'll even enjoy it. Right now I do it because it is what I must do, and I'm proud of the man I'm becoming in the process. Someone I can live with, root for, love and most importantly show up for. He is worth it.