I've been practicing being present, quite more than usual. As it's been a tough week or two. I've lost count at this point. Yet the cause of the pain has been the same. It's my mind drifting into the hypothetical, the future or the past. Mostly it's false expectations around how the output is looking. This is my biggest challenge to myself right now. It's something I've never learned to deal with. Or have dealt with in less than ideal ways. Turns out the only honest solution that I can come with is to face it, see it for what it is and to be present. When I am present only the act of right now matters. It's totally out of my control how me or my work is perceived by others. I need to learn how to focus on the former. I know it's easier said than done and that it is a universal problem. Yet, I want to face it. Find out the kind of person I can become if I truly learn to enjoy the process and let go of everything else that is outside of my control. It's funny that, it's streaming that's helped me face this part of me. It's strange how, you can find wisdom in corners you would never expect. If you are willing to look.
I'm still showing up everyday. During the stream I'm able to pay attention to the task and after I choose to look at the analytics and face facts. It's something I have avoided in the past, but I do want to look at them and then let it go. It's easy to say you are unaffected when you don't know what's really going on. I can do that. But now I'd like to level up and be okay despite knowing what it is. Good or bad. It's a good practice in reminding yourself, what your task is. This is my path to mastery not just over my craft but most importantly, over myself. I'm not sure if the two can be separate. Maybe not. Either ways it's a worthwhile pursuit, you find more about yourself and in turn see how far you can actually go compared to how far you think you can go.
That's it for today. It's quite hard to put what I'm going through into words, but over the next few days I'll try my best to do just that. I think it's important. At the very least future me will appreciate it.