Maybe a month or two ago I got quite confident at my abilities to face my fears and decided to step it up a notch. So I asked God to show me all of my fears. Big mistake. Turns out if you want to see your shortcomings God responds pretty swiftly. Over the course of the last couple of months I started seeing obvious examples of addiction and fears. I've found my biggest addiction so far. It was always present. Turns out it sort of stayed invisible in the cloud of all my other addictions. Yup I've got a few. I'm not proud of it but it is what it is. It's also the reason I love Programming and Lifting. The dopamine hit. Any who among my Porn and Food addiction was my addiction to be distracted. Usually in the form of YouTube or Netflix. I'm not making this up, since I've prayed for my flaws be revealed they have ramped up exponentially. I'm embarrassed to even admit how much. This coming from the man who can freely speak about his Porn addiction. Now I want to say it. It's something like five to six hours a day If I'm honest. I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. I still think that's a conservative number. I'm just going to leave it out there as is. My first temptation was to follow up with all sorts of justifications but the truth will set me free. So I need to face it first.
The only relief is that before this current addiction became so prevalent I felt the same way about Porn and Food. At some point I thought this was going to be my life and that I'd never be free of it. Over the last year I have managed to turn things around by starting with acceptance. A post like this almost a year ago sparked the positive changes in my life. Why change a winning formula? At the same time I don't have any exact steps to re-create the last year. So I might have to spend some time to understand what really worked. What steps made the biggest difference. I do think acceptance of the truth as it is with no justifications is the biggest step. The rest sort of the steps appear along the way. Moving towards something is a lot easier rather than focusing your energy on running away. My guess is that, the thing you are running away from still takes up the mental space as it did before. Only a matter of time before you realize that at least before it was pleasant.
The next few months are going to focused around this. I don't have a direction to walk towards yet, or maybe I do. I just don't see it yet. I believe I can overcome this too. I've got some evidence to support the theory this time.