I've been working on getting out of my own way for a while now. It's a lot harder than I imagined and especially harder to face the facts of who I am, not as something written in stone but rather a place to start. As I go about facing more parts of myself, mostly fear, shame and all around things that make me uncomfortable just at fucking thought of peaking into them. Like this morning I've decided to write this post outside, like where people are and shit. What a ludicrous idea. Write now a part of me is melting away in the shame but if you were to be sitting in the table near me, all you would see is a calm composed Chad typing away on his Ipad. At least I'd like to think so. My biggest fear is that someone is standing right behind me and reading what I write as I am typing it. Fucking nightmare.
This whole facing you demons business might turn me insane. It is still worth the price. The night before it managed to keep me up the whole fucking night. Strangely, I am totally fine being outside. It might just be the doing work outside thats making this extremely uncomfortable. It is also kinda the idea. To spend some time outside, now and again. I'll admit, outside of hitting the gym in the morning and some Badminton I rarely leave the house. I'm working towards changing that. Writing these ramblings outside seems like something I could do outside or reading the language reference of a language I'm learning for that matter. Which is Swift btw at the moment.
Why do all of this?
It's all part of my insane new idea of wanting to do the things that I have been avoiding to get a better understanding of myself. Even if it feels dreadful I would like to understand why. As much as I'd like to avoid it, I would like to improve the quantity and quality of my relationship with others. Which unfortunately can't be done very well from inside the house. Also, at some level it is avoidance of pain. I'm totally fine being on my own, but I'd like to be fine being around others too. At least for a limited amount of time during the day. It's uncomfortable but feels worth it. That is the next step after all. First you get comfortable in your own skin and mind without the need for constant distractions. Which I've been able to do and have made tremendous progress in. So with this new found success, I'd like to go out and face the other fears. Gather some info and return home and try to make sense of it all.
I'm finding the courage to do all of this thanks to my mindfulness practices that I've incorporated into tiny moments in my day. Any time I feel strongly about something I take a moment to sit in it and face it. The more I do this, the more of it I want to do. It's not as bad as I imagined it to be, the longest some discomfort has lasted so far has been maybe twenty minutes. Except maybe what went down Friday night as that shit lasted a good twenty hours. Mostly because of all my fears, that one is the boss level. It was quite bad but it has revealed a huge gap in myself. Big mistake by the boss. I'm like a dog whose got a whiff of the bone, I ain't letting go till I finding that fucking bone.
Flashback
I'd like to end on a positive note. I just saw someone I haven't seen in ages or someone who reminds me of someone I haven't seen in ages. I'm not sure. Back to my point. He reminded me of something that happened a maybe three or four years ago. The father of a friend of mine just collapsed and their entire family was freaking the fuck out, rightfully so. So she called me as she was away. I went over, and got his son to help me get him down the stairs put him in the car and got to the hospital. I'm quite good under pressure even If I say so myself. When I was a dive Instructor I'd found people drowning quite a few times, I've managed to keep myself calm and do what was needed like a fucking ninja.
At least something good has come out of this being outside.