Compared to where I was a year ago I'm in a much better position but I'm realizing that it's not enough. First of all that is not the comparison to make. Firstly the focus is shifted to something in the past and secondly there is a lost sight of the goal. I think the only comparison that matters at this point for me is that, what is the future successful version of me doing and then do that. It's a residue from my past self, on where I gave all away all control I had and blamed X or Y for my problems. I realized all my problems every last one of them are my fault. I'm where I am today because of what I did yesterday and the day before that. On a similar topic I caught myself saying, "But look at how far you have come?" I don't remember what made me say that, before I had the time to indulge it, I caught myself. Things are hard enough as they are when you stay focused on the goal, the last thing I need it to take my eye off the goal. For me the goal is simple, become the best version of the programmer I can be and become fucking rich. Those are my only priorities. I know the vehicle that will take me there all I need to figure out is the path. That means not driving while looking at the rear view mirror. I'm all for enjoying the journey, but that also needs you to be in the present, not reminiscing about something in the past. It's not real anyways, it's your half baked recollection of what was.
It might sound harsh, but it's okay. I need to toughen up anyways. Life is hard, I've tried the soft approach it is dishonest, wishful and worst of all does no good for you. The odds are not good as is and I need claws to claw through this not a cushion to fall back on. At the same time I can take it too, the more I ask of me, the more I tend to do. When squatting I thought 125kg was a hard limit for me, now I warm up at 120kg and my working weights are around 150kg. At the very least when all of this is over I want to know that I gave it my all and I found out what my body and mind is capable of.