Within myself is the truth about my fears, joys, insecurities, competence, weaknesses and strengths. And many more things which words cannot articulate or I don't have the words to do so, yet. Quite often I find myself wanting to react to discomfort that I feel within myself. It has been the cause of my distraction and possibly why social media companies make so much money. Turns out given the option we will choose to do anything to numb ourselves. It took me years to realize that numbing my pains also numbs my joys, my drive and passions. I certainly have been doing it quite a lot in my own life. It's either food, TV or porn. Depending on the apparent darkness that has come a bit too close to the surface for comfort. Lately I've been trying to spend a minute or five before I react to anything. It's also thanks to this podcast that I saw a couple of weeks ago with Davig Goggins. It was serendipitous of sorts.
The strange thing is the more I dive into my own pain or darkness, I realize that the people who truly spoke the truth were not mean as I thought they were, nor were they sharing any dangerous rhetorics. The truth is ugly, yet it's not something me or you can't handle. I would go further to say that there is all the wisdom you need in them too. The decision to face them is the hardest thing to do, yet it's a small peak. The longer I have carried a fear or discomfort the bigger it seems. Like a task that has been carried forward for days, and never faced. When you do finally attempt it, it turns out nowhere close to as hard as you imagined it to be. The hard things are things you never think of, simply showing up day after day for instance. Being consistent for years or decades is hard. Chasing dreams with no immediate results is hard. And for this you need you need all of you on your side.
It's not a switch
This one took the longest to get through my thick skull. It's something you have to face on a daily basis. It gets easier the more reps you get in, you just start facing bigger demons that's all. In the end whatever little is left is truly me. It seems like a lot of work, it most definitely is. It's worth it though, I've seen people very close to me pay the price of avoiding their fears. It is ugly as fuck. Life can be long and tough bitch. The last thing you need is a fog of lies and distractions to muddy the shark infested waters.
It's also an expansion of the idea that once you get old you no longer care what others think. You are in complete acceptance of who you are. There is not a lot of time left and you realize that you don't want to waste a minute of it. Why not just accelerate the timeline and do it while I'm still young and free.