I've heard this quite a lot of times: "Don't hate the player, hate the game." You are the player, but what is the game? It seems justified to hate it, but what is "it"? Is it the ridiculousness of having to do Leetcode for a software role? Is it having to do a week-long test to show that you are good enough? Is it the vanity of social media? Maybe all of it. Yes, these things are not great, but only if you let them define you. The problem I find with myself is that I did not know who I was or if I was enough. So I needed the world to validate me and my existence. When this version of me became unrecognizable, I hid. I hid from the world; it was necessary. I had to find myself first before I could step back into the world. Not to be validated, but this time to play the game. To enjoy the game, I own what I feel, think, and do. Most of the time. It does need a constant reminder because it's easy to get lost now and again. But once the fog is lifted, I see my north star and can find my way home.
I'm learning to love the game. It turns out, in the game that I hated, there were certain aspects that I missed that were tailored for me. It took me a long time to be myself, so that is where I draw the line. I will not do anything that compromises that. Turns out I don't have to. I found my media, which both I and a small subset of the world can enjoy. It's this blog and streaming on Twitch—both things that I can do without losing my integrity. It's become sort of my gateway to the other forms. I'm working on something interesting for YouTube, which I'm excited to get going. It's all falling into place; I've found the means, and I know I can bring the effort. I'm more than capable.
Knowing who you are, knowing your essence is key to all of this. The irony is, sometimes you have to prostitute yourself to find out who that person is. It's by being someone who you are not that you find out who you are, if you have the courage to face the truth. At least, it's been true for me. I did everything I could to please others; it got to a point where I no longer liked myself, let alone knew who I was. Somehow, deep down, I knew I would find myself again; it would only be a matter of time. I got lucky on the way, but I'll take it.