This morning like most of my morning for the past couple of weeks I have been waking up with a dread. The thought of having to do this forever, just scares the living shit out of me. Mostly because even after a couple months of waking up at 0400, it still feels hard. Most mornings I still have to make a conscious decision to leave the bed, then stream straight after. Both of which seem difficult as fuck at the moment. The stream feels difficult because I'm working on a Compiler and I'm freaking the fuck out at the thought of being stuck on something forever. You should get an idea of my fears. Most people are afraid of dying but I'm afraid of this life never ending. Even though I know it's not true, I still can't shake this fear off. Luckily, only one thing scares me more. It's quitting. I've lived through the pain of quitting, it does not even come close to what I'm going through right now.
Yet if you notice, the here and now are doable. I can wake up today, stream today and do all the things I want to do for one day. Somehow my mind gets me to think about how it would feel like to go through this forever. It's the human animal in me, looking for a reward. I guess I could do that. If it means, it'll make it slightly easier and bring my mind back to the present. At the same time a part of me is enjoying this. I'm in the arena of my own life. I'm not a spectator. I'm going after something ambitious and becoming someone I'm proud of. This is the hero's journey and this time I'm the fucking hero.
At the same time I know it's too soon to expect this to be getting easier. I don't think it ever will I know myself too well. I find easy boring and soul sucking. So I will go after the next ambitious thing and on and on. I'm also looking forward to meet me a year into this. I bet he is fucking awesome. At the very least I have to give myself a chance, to see where this road takes. It's a worthwhile pursuit for me and one I fully intend to embark. No matter the price. To think, the domino that started all of this, the very first one, was me getting fired. It's an experience I will forever be grateful for. The path I was on was not part of my journey. Quite a bit of pain in the moment has led me to this place I find myself in right now. A place where if today was my last day... I'll be one proud cookie. For being brave enough to go after what it is that I wanted with brutal honesty and for never quiting. Not even thinking of it.
I was gonna end it there but that last statement just helped me realize something. I've been dreading doing this for eternity and it sucking the whole time. Yet, not once have I thought of quiting. I've just been focusing on ways to deal with it better. I do feel, I'm doing a good enough job of it. It's not perfect, but it's sustainable and also I'm still here. The proof is in the pudding. I'm liking this person. I think I can live with him.