There have been a few moments in my life where I have hit rock bottom; it turns out you can hit it multiple times. There are even levels to it. It's a nice visit when I'm there—always, not in the moment, but after like a few years or so. The second greatest realization is that I am the one who put myself here. It's probably the first greatest one. The next thought after the realization of how you got here is: I have to get myself out. These are not fun whatsoever, because you have to simultaneously understand the errors of your ways and come up with a game plan to get yourself out. I don't know what it's like to be powerless in this state because luckily this is not my first rodeo. It's the harsh side effect of having an unhealthy amount of tolerance for risk. It's something I'm working on. There are only so many all-or-nothing shots you want to take, or is there? Maybe once this pain is far enough in the rear-view mirror, I might look back with my rose-tinted glasses and forget about it. Although this time I have a different plan. My thinking is that life is not great at the moment and is really uncomfortable. So why not shoot for the fucking moon while you have nothing to lose? Shit can't be worse than what I have just been through. So I'm fighting very hard to not take any lifelines that just put me back or slightly better than where I was before this mess.
I feel like some backstory might be necessary for anyone else reading this. This is a speed run of my last two years. I got fired, decided to work for myself and build a business (software, of course), turns out your first few ideas are garbage, burned through all my savings in the next year and a half, sold everything I could sell, until by stroke of blind luck I found a problem that I could solve and someone willing to pay for it. Just as I spent my last penny that I got from that project, I found a contract which allows me to continue to build my product while I do the contracting. That brings us to today. You should be all caught up now.
I wasn't lazy, I was comfortable
Turns out if you don't have a reason, unless you are a Giga-Chad like David Goggins who by the way I think is one of the most generous souls out there, it's hard to be disciplined when you have no purpose or reason to work hard. It's not like I did not have a reason; the last time I lost everything is when I quit being a dive instructor and decided to learn programming. I'd finally found my thing. Something I enjoy, suck at, and could spend at least the next three or four decades perfecting. A craft. But somewhere between that and the next four years, I lost sight of why I got into programming in the first place. Making more money than you have ever had can do that to you.
I guess the big man upstairs had other plans for me. He did the kindest thing I needed, took it all away. The sense of clarity is back and my only task is to stay the course for a long, long period of time. Like at least the next two to three decades.
If you find yourself in a similar boat or a raft I should say, it's not going to get easier any time soon. Accept that and get on with it. Unreasonable expectations timewise, resulting in unnecessary frustration due to a perceived feeling of failure, will only slow you down. Focus on the process and be willing to face the harsh truths and let go of the stories that no longer serve you.