The ache is back, the pain of staying the same is now far superior to the pain of making the changes. It's fascinating how much you can learn about yourself, what you really want, if you dive into the cesspool of your undistracted mind. Does it also mean that as long as I seek distraction, there is something I'm seeking distraction from? Fascinating. It's wild how much wisdom there is to be found from the simple act of mindfullness. Not as a practice but as a way of investigating things as they happen. Just looking into what is, as it is. The truth is uncomfortable. Yet it's surprising how much you ache for it when shit hits the fan. I want to be more, I want to be all that I can be, have all that I can have and I'm not ashamed of it. I want to be the best programmer I can be, as wealthy as I can be, as lean as I can be and as strong as I can be. In the time I have. I'm willing to pay the price and make the sacrifices as I have been. Simply because I can. How will I know when I get there? It's the wrong question. The question should be, "If you do what you are doing right now will you get to where you want to be?". I just need the answer to that question to be a hell yeah most of the time.
I can't think of anything worse than being on my deathbed and thinking... I left so much on the table. Life would have given me anything that I has asked of it, nothing more and nothing less. Yet I settled for a penny. What a fucking nightmare. Think of it what you want, it really does not matter. I have to live with the consequences of my actions and inactions, what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. Unless they share the pain I face.
How much will be enough?
It's not the point. I know deep within that I'm living a shell of my life. I've had whiffs of success in all aspects of my life. So it is possible. So why not? I cannot fail. If I set my mind to something, I'm unstoppable. I know because I've done it before. And I also know that I can do it again. What's led to this? I'm not ready to share it yet. I'll say this much...I found myself fighting for the crumbs and that is unacceptable. Not as long as I can do something about it.
If you don't get any of this, that's okay. It's intended for me and people like me who know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm writing this for me as a reminder and an expression of the ache I'm feeling right now.