You know that awful feeling you get when you are learning something new and you are trying to do the most basic shit? At some point in the last few months I decided to face them more often. It felt like a wise decision at the time, it still does, but I highly underestimated how it feels to suck, most of the time. The strangest of all things is that, some part of me kinda enjoys it. The struggle for me, is an indicator that I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone. The reason some part of me enjoys it is that, every time I've gone through this feeling in the past, I've become much better at the thing. That feeling of joy, it is powerful enough for me to want more of it. Also, I read that the road to mastery involved deliberate practice, where you consistently operate at the edge of your current competency. Practice alone is not enough. I guess false practice scares me more than being uncomfortable. So sometimes I tend to take on a bit of extra discomfort just to be sure I'm operating outside of my comfort zone. The thing is, even though it sucks, every extra minute spent, every bit of effort that I put when I get an urge to stop makes me better but also makes me just the little bit more resilient when I return the next day or the next week.
I spoke up about my desire to want to work harder, to give it a proper shot. To find out where the edges of my competency lie. It would be a shame to be born and live without knowing what I was capable of. Who knows where this will take me. It's scary but at the same time fucking exciting, to find out what's possible if you give it your all. I'm not even close to giving it my all yet. I would say I'm operating at forty to fifty percent of my capability. Mostly because I haven't trained myself to be able to sit down for long hours and get stuff done. I'm working on that too. Getting better at it every other day.
The best part of it all is that it can't get any worse than it is. I've had the shit kicked out of me over the last couple of years, my own shortcuts came around and kicked me in the nuts. It's turned me into the person I am today, and will continue to shape me over the coming years. There are no more lifeboats, no bridges. The only way is forward. It's how nature designed me to be, If I'm alive I am meant to be here. I want to find out what I am capable of. I'm willing to risk it all to find out, because I have nothing more to loose.