I'm quite new to this whole complete honesty with myself. Accepting truth as it arises forcing myself to face it. I can see why I've decided to look the other way for a lot of things. This shit is painful. It's generating a lot of emotions from anger to sadness. I'm avoiding the temptation to put a positive spin on it, that is quite hard too. It is what it is, and it fucking sucks. The more actions you take as a response to the truth, the more you see yourself for who you really are. And it's not pretty. As a simple example, the harder I work, the more I realize how much I have been slacking. These are the deck of cards I have picked, and for the first time I understand what regret feels like. I'm not yet ready to talk to others about them, as I'm still just uncovering them for myself. So this one is going to be a bit vague. To be fair just as vague as the others things I have written about.
This might feel like negative or me putting myself down. Quite the contrary, it's giving me the drive to make a different choice. The hard things don't seem that hard when compared the train wreck of decisions and their implications. The irony is that, I've had a tattoo on my left arm, one of the first ones I ever got. It says, "Hard choices easily life, easy choices hard life". That is fucking hilarious. The answers were all written down on my left arm, I just never understood what a hard life really looks like. They make the easy choices so obvious that a blind man would knock into them. Or so I thought.
Is this wisdom? If it is, it's not what I thought it would look like at all. At the same time I don't want it to stop, I want to go deeper, see what else have I been hiding in this house of mine. I want to burn this fucking house down and rebuild it from the ground up. I'm worth it.