I'll be honest today has been filthy and it's only 0640 is the fucking morning. Yet I'm taking on a new challenge. To show up despite it. A day when I absolutely don't feel like doing anything. I want to see if I can feel what I feel and not let it dictate my actions. I'm not talking about ignoring the feeling but rather taking action. One should have nothing to do with the other. Also, for me this might be from a lack of time in the saddle in this mode.
What the actual fuck? The moment I switched the narrative to wanting exactly what I am going through right now, something switched. It still sucks but I've found some new drive to face this. I totally forgot I totally love being in a loosing, less than ideal, or underdog position. Sure I might still get the shit kicked out of me but there is something about making something from not just nothing but from a deficit. I know it's temporary but I'll take any respite I can get. It's also because I have been quite lazy last week. I've been putting in twenty percent effort, which is strange as the week before was a solid eighty consistently.
The goal is to do things I need to do this week. Not what I want but what is required. I think I have let my feelings dictate my actions for the longest. Yet I have proof from myself in the past that I can show up despite it. I'm not tired or exhausted, so this is not a warning to take a break. It's a type of exhaustion that comes from missing the mark too many times in a row. One I understand fully. It also means at your low point when you least want to, you must do what needs doing.
The plan
Quite simple really. It's the mind that drifts. Meditate at every opportunity as distraction only makes it worse. It will feel like you can't take it anymore, just take one breath, one more step, that is all that is asked of you.
This is an important part of my life. How I deal with this will dictate the outcome of the coming years. So I'd like to somethings differently this time. Life has given me another opportunity. Exactly for these moments I have a tattoo and experience to remind me what happens otherwise. It says:
Hard choices, Easy life
Easy choices, Hard life
Wisdom in the deep end
When you learn to swim, swimming in water you can stand means nothing. It's great when you get started but at some point you need to jump into the deep end. That is the point of the lessons in the first place, no one needs a lesson on how not to drown in a bath tub or at least I hope. The shallow end are the good days, enjoy them when they arrive. Yet it's the deep dark end of the pool where all the unknown lies. All your fears swim down there. That is where I must go.
I forgot this, when I was young the deep end of the pool used to terrify me. I did something that quite surprised even me. I went to the deep end and went all the way down to touch the floor. It wasn't one of those clear pools either, the water was quite dark from all the algae growing at the bottom. My ears hurt for some odd reason but otherwise I was fine. I was still scared of the deep end but ever so slightly less than before. That's all you need, to be a little bit braver. I might have been six or seven at the time. What a Chad.
As much as I dislike this uncomfortable place, it's also where I learn the most about myself. So in a way I'm glad for this experience too. Onto the next task.