It's a recurring lesson that I seem to have to learn over and over again. Just because you try hard, success is only a possibility. Yet expectations have a way of creeping in. The reason to quit is always around the corner, to drop this lunacy of hitting your head against the wall in the hopes that the wall will cave first. Yet at times it's exactly what needs doing. Just to show up and half arse it seems like a waste of time, yet I know that it's still better than nothing. At least you are still in it. What the fuck am I talking about? I don't know really. I really don't want to be writing this, I'm dragging my foot around. I'm in a familiar place where I used to be or find myself every now and then. Where I think of myself as a phony. Maybe I am. You know what I am a phony at times too. My words and actions don't always match. It doesn't help that I write it all down publicly.
Maybe it's just a normal part of the year where I can't be arsed to do anything. At the same time if I'm honest with myself it might be the disappointment of the effort I put in last month not working out. Which is not true, it's just delayed. The only thing I can think of is to do more, yet I'm fighting every cell in my body when I do that. You know what most times my feelings are getting the best of me. It has been especially true for the last couple of weeks. At the same time I acknowledge that today is a new day and the last week, month or year has nothing to do with what I'm doing today. Doesn't seem to be making a fucking difference, yet like a lunatic I try again.
Being petty
This was quite a surprise even to myself. Usually I'm genuinely happy about the success of the ones close to me. Yet I found a petty side to me, what's worse it came around at a time when I was at my laziest. There seems to be a correlation between the two. At my lowest I seem to be looking at the success of others and being unhappy. What's even more surprising is that my mind is showing me aspects of my life and then letting me know how there are others who I may or may not know who are doing much much better than I am. My mind is definitely playing 3D chess with me and it's fucking good at it. Wild stuff. The best thing I found that works so far is to not engage in that conversation. Simply acknowledge it to be true and move on. Easier said that done I would say.
I'm liking this freedom to be able to talk about my shortcomings without any fear. I'm not afraid of being judged or this being used against me. In a strange way speaking freely about these things helps me move past them. Every time I've decided to write what's in my head I've felt a lot better and thinking clearer by the end of it. I do write stuff down on paper but there is something about facing it here.