I swear this week has been hard. Or maybe I've realized how soft I am. Or both. Most likely the latter. Anywho, it's been quite a challenge, and at the same time it's showing me parts of me that I haven't had a chance to meet for a long time. It's been a tough week, most of the mornings I've woken up not wanting to leave the bed, half annoyed that I'm still here (on this planet I mean). Yet surprisingly, I've embraced what it feels like and have been deciding to sit in this cesspool of feelings. It does not make it easy, or fun. It is what it fucking is. I've shown up as it's my rule now. Yet, this week I squatted the heaviest weight ever in my life, a cool 170Kg. I've been streaming almost everyday this week. Even built the UI for my very first mobile App. But the most impressive things has been that every time I've come across an uncomfortable feeling, I've faced it. What I am finding is that, they don't last forever. Also, that there are no good or bad feelings, it's just my body reacting or sending signals about something I have been avoiding. And that I was still dealing with them as I did when I was a child, and that an update was necessary. I know none of these paint me in a good light, but it's who I am, at least part of it. So currently I'm going through a backlog of ignored feelings and at the same time not dictating my actions based on it. I'm still doing what I set out to do. Temporary frustrations and all.
The strangest thing is I'm glad I acted, did not miss a rep, or a stream or a blog or any other shit that I had to do. The irony is that I was going to feel that way regardless of doing or not doing what I wanted to do. It would have made zero difference. Therein lies a hidden wisdom of sorts, at least hidden to me. It was right there the whole fucking time. Yet the more times I decide to do my best, regardless of how I feel, the more I'm able to do it. I'm not denying my feelings, they are still there. I'm just getting the things done while I feel that way. Does any of this shit makes sense? It does to me. It's just not fully cooked yet, this is just the first one percent if even that much. It might as well be the one percent of the one percent.
Why it might be a good sign?
You see, I've been avoiding giving it my all. Most of my life, and so as expected the results I have been getting are quite average. No surprise there. At least not for me. So it might be that I'm not used to giving it my all and putting myself out there on the daily. This is the eating of the glass people who have gone through this talk about. So at least I'm on the right path, maybe. It does feel like the right path. The best sign of them all? I'm not thinking of quitting, it's not even an option. I'm just making up games in my head to make it through the day, I'm not thinking of the days, months or years of this I might have to go through. It's just today. That's all that I can fucking handle, I will not look past it, that's the only way I can keep going. Today feels doable, I could look as far as the week but that's it. The unknown is the scariest shit of all. Yet, it's not like I'm going to live forever either. If anything I'll be okay If I don't wake up tomorrow. So there is some hope.
It's all a bit gloomy, that's reality for you mate. Shit just sucks at times. It's better to face things as they are. The alternative is a middle ground where things are not great and not bad either. You want to see the rainbow, you will have to walk in the fucking rain. And it's never guaranteed. The rain sucks and you don't know when it's going to stop, if ever. My goal is to enjoy the rain itself, to be okay in this cesspool of days. If I can be okay with this, I can do anything. Fucking anything. Plus, I'd like to meet him. The person who I will become after a year, or five or a decade of walking in the fucking rain.