Disclaimer for anyone else reading this. Most of these ramblings I write to help me think through things, an observation I made, or just an insight I've had. I write these as a reminder or notes to myself in the future. In case I loose my way. These breadcrumbs will help me find my way back when things start to or have already gone south.
This week has been one hell of deep dive into the a minor depth of despair. It was almost like I was looking for it. The last couple of days, the mind won. It started out with the stream on Monday, where no one showed up. Yes, I said that is not my focus of the stream but that day I made it so. The strange thing is that when things are going well, not just on their own but thanks to some consistent effort on my end I'm looking for things to fail. For things to go wrong. The other perceived failure was the payment feature that I had been working on my product. The feature was very well done, even if I say so myself. Just take my word for it. My business partner and I were supposed to go through it over the weekend as it needed some input from him. He was traveling so that did not happen and on Monday as expected the payment feature did not work. I had to comment out the code, which revealed some things I missed but somehow that felt like a failure. This is how I behave sometimes. Yet giving it the last couple of days to run rampant and then this morning deciding to focus on what's really going on has been the best thing I could have done.
Now that I'm thinking I've had several such moments in my life, is this what self-sabotage looks like. Although it's not coming from a place of malice so I wouldn't even call it that. It's some fear that manifests this way when things are just mostly good. The week before was one my best weeks in a long while. In terms of doing the things I want to do and staying mostly present through it. Even though at the time it was happening, it felt like a negative but this has been a part of me that's eluded me. Mostly because it's been very subtle and creeps in to my life unnoticed. It's a calamity ninja. I'm quite impressed at myself that I caught a glimpse of this beast. It happened as I was writing through this. You have no idea what this means to me. Because even I don't understand what this means. I've only but caught a glimpse of the beast. But I find this bloody exciting. What joy to get to know yourself. Not even to change but just be aware. Change is not always necessary immediately, if I can observe this next time as it happens real time at least I know what's happening. That on it's own makes things a lot easier. Change comes after. First you have to understand what it is that you are trying to change from. This is 80% of the work. Like knowing the name of the demon is for an Exorcist. Also, this makes the rest a lot easier to. Even If I'm never able to change or fix it, being aware of what's going on is a huge advantage. Mostly because I've been operating in the dark for the last decade, the slightest hint of light brightens up my life.