The truth is I don't know what I'm doing.
Most of the time, I do something so as to make it seem like I'm moving forward.
That's a lie I tell myself.
The truth is I don't know what I am doing, should be doing or what the next step is.
And I'm scared.
I'd like to stop pretending, and accept that there is a lot that I don't know.
The effort I put is not well directed.
I'm at the lowest point of my life that I have ever been in today (21 Oct 2024).
I'm physically in the worst shape I have ever been in.
Financially, I've just burned through forty thousand dollars the last year, and I have nothing to show for it.
That was everything I had.
I'm afraid of commitment, feel insecure, and I don't feel like I am worthy of anyones attention.
My longest relationship has been with Porn.
All I have is my intuition but it seems foggy, I have been dishonest too much.
I'm not sure if I believe in God or if that reality is enough.
I'm torn between the two.
Despite all the above, I want to keep going.
I still believe that I can point myself in the right direction.
It's not optimism, just the part of my intuition that has not completely forsaken me.
I love programming
I love to learn
I like learning things that are hard
It's the only thing I have been honest about.
The truth will set me free.
So here it is.
The complete truth.