Sometimes it feels like fear is something to overcome, in reality it's a constant shadow that only dims down when your light is bright. But there are always those days where the your light fades and fear becomes clear as day. It never actually left, don't think it's meant to. It exists for a reason, one that is hard to contemplate and at times even defines me. The last few days, I've been having doubts, but I don't want to brush them aside. Some of it is impatience, some of it might actually be of value. I've ignored a lot of my fears a lot of the time, it has done me no good. I want to do something different this time, I would like to observe it. Just see what it is actually like.
I don't have any details, as I'm not sure what it actually is. Some of it is doubt, If I can actually pull this off. It's been almost two years, things are moving in the right direction, in fact even accelerating rapidly at times. Some of it is quite a lot to handle, some of it is scary. I'm changing, and the discomfort that comes along with it can also feel like fear.
I do feel like my writings are quite incongruent, this one might be the mother of them all so far. But that's just how feelings are sometimes, all over the fucking place. The only thing to do is embrace all of it and ask myself, what now. Let the past be, and do what needs doing.