Our identities are quite malleable. The stories well tell ourselves or about ourselves define us in a way that is subtle and invisible. Don't get me wrong this is neither about fake it till you make it or that things will get sorted on their own. I'm a firm believer in the fact that belief along with consistent effort is the only surefire way to not fail. This always work out if the those two conditions are met. Stay the course a path will appear, but you have to be willing to take the steps that take you to such cross roads. This is more about acceptance, surrender and grit.
My relationship with food
I've always told myself and others that I work out or wanted to get bigger so that I could consume more calories. Because I want to eat good food. Or that food is my weakness. This meant that I always went through stages of loosing and gaining weight. I cannot remember the last time I looked the same in the span of more than a year.
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned something similar, when she was trying to explain why she works out. She is super strong and super fit, but one sentence stood out to me. She also said, she wants to be able to eat tasty food. A couple of days later I asked myself, "Why do I want to eat tasty food?". To my surprise I did not have an answer, it's just something I accepted as it was. Now that I think of it, when I was a kid, I used to get attention for how much I could eat. Mainly because I was a competitive swimmer. Nevertheless, that statement was not true at all.
I only speak about this because a few months ago, I stopped regarding food as a problem, and simply just gave up trying have any sort of emotional reaction towards it. After a few days, I realized that when I could have whatever I wanted, I no longer wanted anything special. Occasionally maybe, but mostly not at all. Strangely I could get by with very little. It also led to the realization, unlike what I have been telling myself, I don't really care that much about food.
The only thing I was sure that I, I needed to be healthy, I feel a lot like myself when I can use my body the way I want. Always have been able to be quite good at things physical.
Something to replace it
Recently I ordered this book called, We programmers by Uncle Bob. I'm not very religious, spiritual yes but I haven't been able to connect with religion. Despite having read the Bible end to end when I was thirteen. But when I saw the title I instantly yearned for it. It felt like I found my people, programmers. Maybe it's just fantasy.
I do know this much, as I find myself and remove things that I no longer wish or need to hold on to, if there is any gap or hole that needs to be filled I'd like to fill it with programming. Whenever I can. I do love some people, and I don't think one love needs to compete with the other, this is something that is fully mine, and always will be. All I need is a terminal.